Let’s face it…..if you’re married with kids, your sex life is different at best, non-existent at worst! This is just the way life goes. Its easy to blame your wife for this torture…she’s always “too tired”, “not in the mood”, “got woman issues down there!” The excuses are plentiful and often quite clever, but if you take a good look around you, she’s kinda got a point. She IS fucking tired, and so are YOU, plus your kids are constantly needing and annoying you. So blame your kids, its THEIR fault.
Anyway, if any of this sounds familiar and your wife’s vagina has been declared an endangered species, here’s a few places you can look. Happy hunting!
1. Her Underwear Drawer
Your wife’s panties were the last to see that vagina of hers, so this is probably a good place to start. Interrogate them kindly, they like her more than you. And DON’T put them on, that’s totally gross and it WON’T help, or so i’ve read.
2. The UPS truck
Sometimes these guys deliver the wrong ‘package’, if you know what i mean. If you can’t get into the UPS truck undetected, try shipping yourself to yourself, cut some peep holes in the box, and see what happens when you get delivered.
3. Her Purse
One of the great mysteries of life is the woman’s purse. A bottomless pit of crap & wonder that defies the laws of physics. Be warned, if you go in deep, you may never be seen again.
4. Her Car
The 8th wonder of the world, the inside of your wife’s car. OMG, the fucking horror of that car. Its amazing how a person who is relatively neat in the house and so wonderful with the children, can drive around like this. Good luck….if it is in there, you’ll probably never find it. But you will find at least 10 bucks in loose change and a partially used Starbucks card.
5. The Gym
If she goes to the gym, it would be well worth you looking there. After a sweaty work out with either Sven, Rocco or Phil, the trainers on staff, she and her vagina will be very tired and she might just leave it in her locker to rest. So check that locker thoroughly! And you might want to take a look in Sven’s while you’re at it….he’s got quite the reputation he does.
6. Her Best Friend
Women get married to have kids. Men get married to have consistent sex. As far as she’s concerned, you’ve done your job (and hers) and now your penis and everything else about you seems less appealing than it once did. Its possible she’s become a full blown lesbian. (A guy can dream, right?)