It seemed like such a good idea, didn’t it?
Husband: So, what seems to be the problem, Miss?
Wife: My drain is clogged. Clogged bad.
Husband: Oh, yeah? Well, let me see if i can un-clog it.
Wife: You really think this is a job you can handle?
Husband: There’s no job I can’t handle.
Wife: I’m just thinking about the porch you’ve been promising to stain for literally a year now.
Husband: Jesus, what the hell does the porch have to do with this?
Wife: It has everything to do with it!
Husband: You know what, unclog your own goddamned drain!
Wife: Stain the porch!
Doctor & Patient
Wife: Hi, doctor, thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Husband: My pleasure.
Wife: Did I put this gown on right?
Husband: Looks good to me. Real good. So, where’s your pain?
Wife: In my leg.
Wife: Do you feel anything?
Husband: Just that you didn’t shave your legs. A little effort would have been nice, Karen.
Wife: Oh, fuck you.
Husband: Fuck you!
The Job Interview
Husband: We have a quite a few candidates for this position, Ms. Andrews.
Wife: I’m sure you do, but I’m the right person for this job.
Husband: Oh, yeah? Why’s that?
Wife: Because I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty.
Husband: You aren’t?
Wife: I’m not afraid to get other things dirty, either.
Husband: Hmm, I think your résumé may have just risen to the top.
Wife: Nothing, forget it.
Husband: Why are you annoyed all of a sudden?
Wife: It’s just so ironic, because you’ve never supported the idea of me going back to work.
Husband: That is bullshit, and you know it!
Wife: Oh, please.
Husband: Go back to work—do whatever the hell you want!
Wife: You are such a dick.
The Pool Boy
Wife: Manuel, you must be so hot out here.
Wife: Want to come in for a glass of lemonade?
Wife: I made too much, and I’m alone in here. All alone.
Wife: It’s only 3:15, so my kids won’t be home until … dammit! We have to pick up the kids at 3:30.
Husband: Los niños?
Wife: Stop it, Phil! We really have to pick them up.
Husband: I thought you said we had time!
Wife: Sorry if I’m the only one who pays attention to the kids’ schedules.
Husband: I bought a mustache for this!
Cheerleader & Coach
Wife: Hey, coach, you wanted to see me?
Husband: Come in, Erica.
Wife: Did I do something wrong?
Husband: I’m really disappointed in your cheerleading.
Husband: I’m going to have to cut you from the squad.
Wife: Isn’t there anything I can do to change your mind?
Husband: Hmm, maybe I can think of something …
Wife: I’d do anything.
Husband: O.K., well, you could start by not picking up Jaden’s squeaky giraffe while we’re doing this.
Wife: Sor-ry if I’m trying to kill two birds with one stone—this living room is a disaster!
Husband: Well, you definitely killed this bird!
Wife: Yeah, well, it doesn’t take much, does it, Michael?
Older Woman & Younger Man
Wife: Well, look at you, Tommy, home from college. You’re all grown up, aren’t you?
Husband: I guess so, Mrs. Anderson. Is Derek home?
Wife: He’s out.
Husband: What about … Mr. Anderson?
Wife: He’s out, too.
Husband: You’re sitting awfully close, Mrs. Anderson.
Wife: I have needs, Tommy. Needs that my husband could never fulfill.
Wife: Let’s just say he’s got problems in that department.
Husband: He does?
Wife: I bet you don’t have those problems, do you, Tommy?
Husband: Um, no, ma’am.
Wife: I didn’t think so. My husband has them big time.
Husband: O.K., TIMEOUT! Jesus.
Wife: What? You’re the one who wanted to do this in the first place!
Husband: Well, now I don’t want to do it.
Husband: And neither does TOMMY!