Married Role-Play

 

It seemed like such a good idea, didn’t it?

The absolute genius of Colin Nissan:

The Plumber

Husband:  So, what seems to be the problem, Miss?

Wife:  My drain is clogged.  Clogged bad.

Husband:  Oh, yeah?  Well, let me see if i can un-clog it.

Wife: You really think this is a job you can handle?

Husband: There’s no job I can’t handle.

Wife: (scoffs)

Husband: What?

Wife: I’m just thinking about the porch you’ve been promising to stain for literally a year now.

Husband: Jesus, what the hell does the porch have to do with this?

Wife: It has everything to do with it!

Husband: You know what, unclog your own goddamned drain!

Wife: Stain the porch!

Doctor & Patient

Wife: Hi, doctor, thanks for seeing me on such short notice.

Husband: My pleasure.

Wife: Did I put this gown on right?

Husband: Looks good to me. Real good. So, where’s your pain?

Wife: In my leg.

Husband: Here?

Wife: Higher.

Husband: Here?

Wife: Higher.

Husband: Here?

Wife: Do you feel anything?

Husband: Just that you didn’t shave your legs. A little effort would have been nice, Karen.

Wife: Oh, fuck you.

Husband: Fuck you!

The Job Interview

Husband: We have a quite a few candidates for this position, Ms. Andrews.

Wife: I’m sure you do, but I’m the right person for this job.

Husband: Oh, yeah? Why’s that?

Wife: Because I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty.

Husband: You aren’t?

Wife: I’m not afraid to get other things dirty, either.

Husband: Hmm, I think your résumé may have just risen to the top.

Wife: Wow.

Husband: What?

Wife: Nothing, forget it.

Husband: Why are you annoyed all of a sudden?

Wife: It’s just so ironic, because you’ve never supported the idea of me going back to work.

Husband: That is bullshit, and you know it!

Wife: Oh, please.

Husband: Go back to work—do whatever the hell you want!

Wife: You are such a dick.

The Pool Boy

Wife: Manuel, you must be so hot out here.

Husband.

Wife: Want to come in for a glass of lemonade?

Husband.

Wife: I made too much, and I’m alone in here. All alone.

Husband.

Wife: It’s only 3:15, so my kids won’t be home until … dammit! We have to pick up the kids at 3:30.

HusbandLos niños?

Wife: Stop it, Phil! We really have to pick them up.

Husband: I thought you said we had time!

Wife: Sorry if I’m the only one who pays attention to the kids’ schedules.

Husband: I bought a mustache for this!

Cheerleader & Coach

Wife: Hey, coach, you wanted to see me?

Husband: Come in, Erica.

Wife: Did I do something wrong?

Husband: I’m really disappointed in your cheerleading.

Wife: Oh.

Husband: I’m going to have to cut you from the squad.

Wife: Isn’t there anything I can do to change your mind?

Husband: Hmm, maybe I can think of something …

Wife: I’d do anything.

Husband: Anything?

Wife: Anything.

Husband: O.K., well, you could start by not picking up Jaden’s squeaky giraffe while we’re doing this.

WifeSor-ry if I’m trying to kill two birds with one stone—this living room is a disaster!

Husband: Well, you definitely killed this bird!

Wife: Yeah, well, it doesn’t take much, does itMichael?

Older Woman & Younger Man

Wife: Well, look at you, Tommy, home from college. You’re all grown up, aren’t you?

Husband: I guess so, Mrs. Anderson. Is Derek home?

Wife: He’s out.

Husband: What about … Mr. Anderson?

Wife: He’s out, too.

Husband: You’re sitting awfully close, Mrs. Anderson.

Wife: I have needs, Tommy. Needs that my husband could never fulfill.

Husband: Oh.

Wife: Let’s just say he’s got problems in that department.

Husband: He does?

Wife: I bet you don’t have those problems, do you, Tommy?

Husband: Um, no, ma’am.

Wife: I didn’t think so. My husband has them big time.

Husband: O.K., TIMEOUT! Jesus.

Wife: What? You’re the one who wanted to do this in the first place!

Husband: Well, now I don’t want to do it.

Wife: Fine!

Husband: And neither does TOMMY!

 

 

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